Tom Brady Wisdom

I read an article in the New York Times this week about Tom Brady and one phrase that he used stuck with me: "The struggle makes it special."  This could apply to anything but the way that I read it in reference to TsukiMoon, our child, is around friendship.

Over the past year we have addressed many of TsukiMoon's educational issues.  We just had him retested and his; reading, comprehension, and spelling are at a level of other children his age.  Great, no worries there.  Going forward TsukiMoon's main ASD issue will be social.

TsukiMoon goes to a social class that has daily homework attached to it.  This week it is, "Friend Files Questions."  The assignment is to ask a question of another child, like, "Do you have a pet?"  Then to follow that question up with another on the same topic, "What is your pet's name?"  Followed by another question, like, "Do you have to walk your dog? or do you parents do that?"  The idea is that the child asking the questions is learning how to be interested in another child.  I think the premiss is "fake it, until you make it," meaning once Boo has friends he will be more interested in keeping them, the premiss being that TsukiMoon has to show interest in other children if he wants them to be friendly with him.

At the moment TsukiMoon has no friends at school.  We switched him from his super academic school to a large, 4 classes per grade, public elementary school.  Add to that he doesn't know how to engage with others and illicit common interests with them.  In addition he lacks a certain amount of empathy causing him to laugh at the absurdity of others.  All of this has left kids cold on being his friend.  

When given this task of "Friend Files" in the most recent social class, TsukiMoon was visibly upset and recalcitrant, saying, "I don't want friends."  I read his frustration as, "This is too overwhelming a task for me.  I can't do it."  His dad and I had no willingness to try the questions so instead of poking and prodding him on whether he asked another child questions that day, we let the whole thing go.  We worked on our home interventions that we normally do; games, talking about feelings, showing appreciation for every time he talks about his feelings, redirecting his talk if the tone is harsh or unsympathetic.  

It is easy to get discouraged because it can feel like there is never any progress.  I find myself going down a path of, "He will never change."  "He says the meanest things, he will never get better."  My husband who is much better at seeing the small victories, says, "no, he tells us when he is scared instead of just saying 'No, I don't want to.' "  My mother, who is often a harsh critic, says, "he is better this year then last."  Much like it is hard to see your own child get taller because you are with him all the time, so it is with noticing the millimeters' worth of growth in an area like social acuity.  Those small amounts grow will into large successes like having a real friend someday but for now when he asks, "how are you feeling Mommy?"  when I have a cold, well, that's pretty nice too.