Just a reminder

It is funny what hits me sometimes and when.  Today the spin class teacher played the song "Hero" by the group Family of the Year as the last song.  It is a great song, both the lyrics and the guitar melody.  

It emotionally hit me today.  The song is about how the writer wrote a pleading response to his parents or society not wanting to have to fulfill the dreams of others and just desires to be normal, ordinary, not a "hero."  

I was drained after class from a hard ride.  This past year has been a roller-coaster and I haven't exercised regularly in a long time.  It's a new year though, as I find my feet and  found acceptance of our son, TsukiMoon's diagnosis and myself, it is time to get busy.  It was the first time I have been in a class with others and it was a bit triggering in general.  I have about 15 lbs. to lose and going back to all the thin people at the gym was a challenge, so maybe I was set up to be touched in unexpected ways.

The song touch the child in me, maybe the baby because self-pity flooded the post work out exhaustion-- no post-work-out high here.  I started to have tears fill my eyes.  The song spoke to the never-ending drive find solutions for TsukiMoon   There are no breaks in his care, and sometimes I don't want to be the "hero."  

When TsukiMoon was a "regular" child (as far as we knew), we had expectations of what we wanted him to be and do.  Now we just want him to be able to "walk with everyone else."  For TsukiMoon to be ordinary represents a Herculean effort on our part to help him understand expected behaviors.  Of course we now parent the child we have instead of the child we wanted-- that is better for everyone.  We have more love, more appreciation, better understanding but less free time.

Of course what did I want from life?  I asked my husband, Mr. TsukiMoon today, "did I really want life to be easy?"  What we agreed upon that hanging out watching TV or going to the movies doesn't hold our interest as it once did before TsukiMoon   What is needed though is balance.  

I'm not sure what a balanced life would look like because more then ever before my life has purpose.  Almost every action I take or work spoken has a purpose behind it.  It can be a bit much.  Things that are more precious like our marriage.  It is really nice to commiserate together with the depth understanding that only the other person can understand.  It has brought an intimacy that is unique in our already close relationship.

What I need to remind myself is that self-pity and resentment that struck me in spin class are the quickest way to dig a grave.  We have two sayings in our house that get us through most ups and downs.  One: "It is all going to work out."  Two: "No one said it was going to be fair," which brings us back to our first saying-- "but it's all going to work out."