All families are messy. In our case it is our extended generations that dumbfound us with awful behavior. That was brought up this weekend when my parents visited my dad's cousin and her husband, we'll call them Jen and Harry.
I like these cousins, especially Harry. Both my husband and I do. They are unapologetically smart and have strong opinions. I might not agree with everything they say but it is a thoughtful discussion; science based and analytical. We always make sure to visit them when we are in the area.
Recently, the last 15 years ;-) Jen has become increasingly antagonistic towards my mother. I don't know why, but because of her and others in my father's family, my mother won't attend family events anymore. She is happy to send my dad and get all the family news from him.
This weekend my folks were invited to visit Jen and Harry to see their new house. Jen (not in front of my dad) lit into my mother about me and my son, TsukiMoon. "Is your daughter still not working?" "I'm worried about TsukiMoon, he is very spoiled." She hasn't seen him in 3 years. "Why is TsukiMoon is public school instead of his private school?" Probing for scandal. Then a bunch other stuff oriented at my mom.
My mom understandably wanted to download after the visit. My mother, who must be on the spectrum, has very few friends who would have been more appropriate to share with but she doesn't. Even if the more grown-up thing to do is not triangulate Jen's comments to me, I am glad to know the sentiment exists. I wouldn't want to expose my son to her judgement anymore.
After I got off the phone with my mom I needed talk. So much swirling around my mind; anger, fear, alienation. My husband, Mr. TsukiMoon was on in 3rd world on a business trip-- couldn't contact him. I sat with the feelings and worked it out.
I see the memes about parents of autistic children being judged as bad parents and their children as spoiled on Twitter, Instagram that end with an attitude of, well, basically, "fuck you and your judgement." This affect is probably felt by all parents of these type of kids.
We have been the object of side-ways glances for our choices as parents when we are out with our son. We experienced general dislike of other parents for our son. I remember in an "Age 3" preschool class a parent saying, "That's no surprise, we are talking about TsukiMoon." The pain was acute. I walked around the corner to cry. My relatives have never said anything. We live thousands of miles from my family which is probably why it hasn't come up earlier.
Jen's cracks had an impact. I do have shame of not working, even though I know my work has a direct impact on our son's ability in everything. I know that our son comes across to people as spoiled when he is having a meltdown. That we jump through many, many hoops to pave the road in front of him, picking our battles carefully.
People don't see how much how many life skills we have to walk our son through. We always anticipate his adult life, we teach him skills that are not even on the radar of other parents. We worry about his ability to keep his area clean, himself, whether he can feed himself as an adult. No one see this work, this anxiety.
There is a saying, "Acceptance is the solution to all my problems." What I am accepting with Jen's remarks is that people I wish were part of my family are just not. They are not safe for me or my son. Any expectations have to be let go. It leaves me with the feeling that the inner-circle of what I call family is terrible small; my husband, son, and parents.
I guess this is where, "Family of Choice," comes in. I do have a couple of select friends who support me. This incident with Jen has helped to bring clear vision the importance of growing relationships with the people are trustworthy. My family of choice.
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