Answer the Unanswerable

Objective:

Answer the unanswerable.  Why us?  How did TsukiMoon get this disorder.

Theory:

If I go around on this question I will suddenly understand what has no answer and some how it all will be better.

On The Ground:

Of course knowing; why us? why TsukiMoon  doesn't solve anything, doesn't help anyone.  TsukiMoon has ASD, us knowing why doesn't help him in the day, to day.  It might if the discussion happened before he was born, maybe.  We might have been able to address it, probably not.  Autism wasn't even on our radar.  But should it have been?  Probably, but we didn't ever really know what it was.

Genetics-- are they a factor?  

When we got the diagnosis for TsukiMoon our two families came into sharp relief.  Ohhhh, it's all so clear.  That's way my mom acts that way.  Maybe that is why my uncle never married.  That explains the note in Grandpa's jacket, that he carried always, had his home address on it.  Maybe it explains that cousin and his father.  Mr. TsukiMoon and I have family members who have traits that, through the lens of autism, seem like autism.  Then everything looks like a nail when you have just been given a hammer. Anyway we probably come by this naturally.

For my side of the family my uncle life makes more sense now. He was a shut-in, who hoarded his money, and wouldn't let anyone into his house.  My mother, who might be on the spectrum as well, always said he was smart.  What I know is he was quick wit, well educated, reading and retaining most of what he read, always consuming more information, and could hold a grudge.

He was also a adult never really able to act in an adult way.  He even looked like a big baby; soft and doughy.   He was dangerously jealous of his mother's affection not letting his sisters visit their mother, standing guard over the door of the house he shared with his mother.

After my grandmother's death my mother wouldn't visit him without my father because she was afraid of him. When he died we found 10 firearms in the house. The question was: did his challenges start with an initial autism type brain exacerbated anti-social behavior by ill treatment by the heavy hand of his father?  Or in plain parlance was he just nuts?  Who's to know?

I want to make it clear: autism comes in all shapes and sizes and that my uncle's issues weren't necessarily autism related.

My uncle seemed to be a disappointment to his father.  There couldn't be two more opposite people my grandfather was an extreme extrovert.  He made friends everywhere and like to be the center of attention.  What he got was; one normal child in my pretty aunt, his son, and my mother who might be a savant but has weak understanding of people.  I think it was hard on Grandpa, two super intelligent kids that were introverts.

On my husband's side his grandfather was a scientist/engineer but couldn't find his way home at the end of the day without the help of the address that he kept in his pocket.  One of his sons' has a deadpan demeanor; stereotypical, introverted scientist.  His son had crippling anxiety and couldn't get out of his own way.  

All these stories are sad, interlaced with pain of expectations, disappointments, and no or late treatment.  Then add the weight of parents who wanted more then their children could provide and it was too much for many.  Was the impedes underlying autism?  Know one will ever know.  Before TsukiMoon's diagnosis we never looked very closely at these extended family and certainly attach a possible common issue to them.

TsukiMoon's diagnosis freed me to let go of hopes and dreams for TsukiMoon's future.  Any pressure I might have been put on him was taken away.  TsukiMoon was then free to pursue his authentic self.  Him and I are more loving and accepting for each other.  Me because I don't have secret wishes for TsukiMoon that interferes with unconditional love.  TsukiMoon because he has a mother who accepts him, he can be more relaxed.  

On the other side the diagnosis has left me with, at times, a crippling loss. I didn't have someone to pin my solutions on.  I hate to say it, save me.  I was now  in charge of my own outcome now, own happiness.  Obviously a good thing.  To expect a anyone to solve the life of another is too much to ask of anyone, especially to ask a child.  ASD has been a gift for our family, even for TsukiMoon   He has two parents that; facilitate his interests and are accepting, love him unconditionally.  For us, we too have been freed, we can now live an off-script life.  No keeping-up-with the Jones for us.

Nothing about this experience with TsukiMoon has been easy but where would he and we be without the diagnosis?  Following the broken path of ancestors?  Our family of three, all get to make the most of this life.  TsukiMoon has excellent parents who love him for just who he.  What more could any of us want more?