Eye Contact

Objective:

Help TsukiMoon make eye contact when he talks with people.

Theory:

Does behavior drive thought or the other way around?  For this one we are working on the behavior first, from there who knows where it will go.

On The Ground:

In July I read a article in the New York Times called, The Kids Who Beat Autism.  In that article there were several ideas that Mr. TsukiMoon and I put into action.  One was a parent who would only respond to a question by their ASD child if the child would look at the parent in the eyes while asking the question.  We did this with TsukiMoon.

It has been an exercise in consistency.  So often as parents, Mr. TsukiMoon and I rush around getting things done and just give TsukiMoon what he wants (not effective parenting in ordinary cases).  For instance, TsukiMoon might ask, "Where's My Little Pony book?"  Focused on something else, I would retort, "Ok, where did you have it last?" without looking up.  

Now I do two things: I look up and ask, "Would you ask me that while looking at me?"  

The question would repeat.  "Where's My Little Pony?"  maybe, maybe not while looking at me.

"Ok would you ask that again in a longer sentence?"  Then I would give an example of what I was looking for.  "Would you say instead, 'Mommy would you help me find my My Little Pony book?  It was last in the playroom.'  While looking me in the eyes?"

He then may repeat what I said verbatim without looking at me.  "Good" I would say, "Now would you say it again, this time look at me."  Which he would.  Obviously this all takes time, patience, and diligence.  We have only one child so we can go into this kind of detail because there are no other children wanting our time. 

Over the last five months TsukiMoon's eye contact has gotten better, perfect no, but much better.  First his eye contact got better with us.  Over time he started to make eye contact with his friends.  Part of this seems to be that he is more comfortable at his new school so general willingness to participate with people is higher.  Lastly he started to make more eye contact with other adults.  He still needs to be asked to make eye contact with us when he asks for something or tells us a story but he is ernest and willing to try.

Much of TsukiMoon's lack of eye contact seems anxiety based.  I think of this as exposure therapy, the more one is exposed to the thing they don't like the better he gets at it. Overtime he has become more comfortable.  I have mentioned before it is hard to tell what drives TsukiMoon's behavior; ASD symptoms or anxiety-- straight fear.  For both exposure seems to help him over come both/either. 

One thing that has helped with eye contact is the an idea that came out of one of his social groups.  What you look at tells someone what you think is important.  What someone else looks at tells you what they think is important.  The homework from that class was to go home and play a game; the parent looks at something, the child has to guess at what the parent is looking at and what the parent is thinking about that thing.  It's a fun game. We even play it with the cats and dog.  For instance, "what is Mew looking at?"

"At the rabbits."

"What is Mew thinking about?"

"Chicken."  (An actual answer.  I love this answer.  Recently I talked with a friend, she said that at a back-to-school night at the high school she had to write a description of her daughter.  I asked her if that was difficult.  She answered, "no," that she could do it with any of her 4 daughters.  I said that would be tough for me because TsukiMoon is in transition.  An answer like this gives a glimpse to TsukiMoon's mind and humor.  It is so subtle, clever and dry.)

This game also helps TsukiMoon understand in an oblique way that when you are looking at a person and talking, you are not only saying that the other person is important but that what he is saying is important.  It's an adroit understanding of people; importance that others and the speaker place on information that is being relayed.  Which is really the ultimate goal:  The trick; communicate effectively and listen with empathy so the other person feels listened to.