Little Heartbreaks

I want to keep this blog about working towards the solution.  Sometimes things come up that seem unique to this off-script life that I find myself in.  This happened yesterday.  A small comment that derailed my day. 

I go to yoga class on Tuesdays and Fridays.  Yoga has helped me to be an even-keeled mother, that way I can do my best for Boo.  I would like to do it more then two days week, it helps me transcend the dailiness of life and find peace.  

A mutual friend of the instructor asked me to say "hi" to Mrs. J at the next class, so I did.  Mrs. J asked how I knew Mrs. S?  I told her that we met at pre-school.  This got me into a discussion with other members of the class about; the pre-school, ages of our children and what schools they attend now.  One of the other people in the class happened to be a previous board member of the pre-school.  His children were much older and he nicely informed me that, every new horizon in his children's lifes' were all great and brought benefits and excitement.  It felt to me as though he was trying to give good-natured advice about enjoy your kid.

None of what he said was bad, it was well-meaning.  It seemed like a prototypical comment of someone with "normal" children might say.  I had nothing to say to him.  What could I have said?  That we celebrate when our kid actually talks to another person?  When he can go out to the car by himself to get the book that he left there?  

I had a small heartbreak at that moment.  It was hard to "transcend" the rest of the day.  Part of the reason was that we had a terrible time at that pre-school.  We had to take TsukiMoon out of pre-school when Boo was 3.  He ran into a teacher who clearly didn't like him and was rough on him.  Mr. TsukiMoon and I decided to have TsukiMoon leave mid-year because he didn't need to be subjected to her anger.  

That well-meaning comment caused remembrances about all the "experts/educators" that saw TsukiMoon as a problem, who didn't like him, but never suggested that there might be another issue (Boo wasn't diagnosed with ASD when he was 7 3/4 years-old).  It also brought up frustration with my lack of understanding with TsukiMoon  children in general, and that I should have been more aggressive to find answers, the frustration that lack of money made that impossible. 

At this time I thought that my kid was a great kid.  Frustrating kid, yes but lovely all the same.  Smart and capable TsukiMoon was a young child who behave just like that, a young child.  The adults who had issues with him was, well, their issue, not TsukiMoon's.

My day was completely waylaid by all this: a regretted past.  I watched Netflix for the rest of the day, a lost day.  Then because I didn't accomplish anything I dreamt last night about being in the show The Walking Dead, where I was one of the zombies.  All pretty terrible.

There was one good thing about the day besides attending yoga class, I found a new quote.  I love quotes and collect them.  

Be bold and mighty forces with come to your aid.  --Goethe

Can Reading Lead to Making Friends?

Objective:

Get TsukiMoon some friends at school.

Theory:

It is my belief that if TsukiMoon can talk about himself it means that he is understanding himself, if he has an understand himself he can then understand others.

On The Ground:

It is difficult to identify the issues that TsukiMoon needs help on.  It is easy to get the general issues; he has a challenge with social situations, but what are the parts of that?  How best do we address them.  

Mr. TsukiMoon and I have to use our high levels of observation and empathy to understand what TsukiMoon might be thinking and feeling.  We imagine how we would feel in similar situations, with similar disabilities.  It's a challenge and we are always making new distinctions.  The interesting thing is that both Mr. TsukiMoon and I excel at this, it is one of the reasons why we both excelled in our jobs.  We are sensitive to people's feelings, careful that there is no loss-of-face when delivering bad/difficult news, and why we could get the best from the people we worked with--especially Mr. TsukiMoon   It is interesting to me that TsukiMoon has such a challenge with this exact skill, but with our help he gets better.

An issue that has come up is that TsukiMoon has a really hard time understanding fiction.  He can't relate to the characters or the circumstances that protagonist finds himself in.  It is my belief that if TsukiMoon can put words around the feelings and motivations of the protagonist he can then put words around his feelings.  If he can understand himself he can better relate to others-- with the ultimate goal of having friends at school.

I expect that this will be a long process.  It took me 5 years to get him to be able to read, maybe this won't take as long as that.

Action Plan:

- Continue working with the Mrs. K, the pathologist around reading.

- Get TsukiMoon's in class reading ahead of the class so that he can have more time to absorb the text and can better relate to the text and be able to answer the questions in class.  We had TsukiMoon observed in the classroom by the Mrs. K and he was slow to write, if at all, to an assignment that was given.  We need to prep him the night before so that he has more time to think about what is needed.

- Find fiction, no-picture texts to read to him around topics that he interested in.  He is really interested in Dungeon & Dragons.  There are reams of books dedicated to this interest.  Yea for that.  Star Wars is an interest-- we also regularly say the prayer "Thank God for George Lucas."   In addition books around WW2, another interest.  Use these books to create a dialogue around interests. 

- He hates to be asked questions about the books (graphic novels-- the pictures help TsukiMoon understand the text) that he is reading because he truly can't answer the questions.  Questions like: What is your favorite part of the book?  What did the character do that was funny?  Was there any part that made you nervous?  You get the picture.  What I need to do is read these books and start to talk about what I like about them, what I think the protagonist objectives were, how they speak to my life or how I relate to them.  In Common-Core parlance: Text to Self.

If any readers have additional suggestions I would love to hear them and put them into use.

Eye Contact

Objective:

Help TsukiMoon make eye contact when he talks with people.

Theory:

Does behavior drive thought or the other way around?  For this one we are working on the behavior first, from there who knows where it will go.

On The Ground:

In July I read a article in the New York Times called, The Kids Who Beat Autism.  In that article there were several ideas that Mr. TsukiMoon and I put into action.  One was a parent who would only respond to a question by their ASD child if the child would look at the parent in the eyes while asking the question.  We did this with TsukiMoon.

It has been an exercise in consistency.  So often as parents, Mr. TsukiMoon and I rush around getting things done and just give TsukiMoon what he wants (not effective parenting in ordinary cases).  For instance, TsukiMoon might ask, "Where's My Little Pony book?"  Focused on something else, I would retort, "Ok, where did you have it last?" without looking up.  

Now I do two things: I look up and ask, "Would you ask me that while looking at me?"  

The question would repeat.  "Where's My Little Pony?"  maybe, maybe not while looking at me.

"Ok would you ask that again in a longer sentence?"  Then I would give an example of what I was looking for.  "Would you say instead, 'Mommy would you help me find my My Little Pony book?  It was last in the playroom.'  While looking me in the eyes?"

He then may repeat what I said verbatim without looking at me.  "Good" I would say, "Now would you say it again, this time look at me."  Which he would.  Obviously this all takes time, patience, and diligence.  We have only one child so we can go into this kind of detail because there are no other children wanting our time. 

Over the last five months TsukiMoon's eye contact has gotten better, perfect no, but much better.  First his eye contact got better with us.  Over time he started to make eye contact with his friends.  Part of this seems to be that he is more comfortable at his new school so general willingness to participate with people is higher.  Lastly he started to make more eye contact with other adults.  He still needs to be asked to make eye contact with us when he asks for something or tells us a story but he is ernest and willing to try.

Much of TsukiMoon's lack of eye contact seems anxiety based.  I think of this as exposure therapy, the more one is exposed to the thing they don't like the better he gets at it. Overtime he has become more comfortable.  I have mentioned before it is hard to tell what drives TsukiMoon's behavior; ASD symptoms or anxiety-- straight fear.  For both exposure seems to help him over come both/either. 

One thing that has helped with eye contact is the an idea that came out of one of his social groups.  What you look at tells someone what you think is important.  What someone else looks at tells you what they think is important.  The homework from that class was to go home and play a game; the parent looks at something, the child has to guess at what the parent is looking at and what the parent is thinking about that thing.  It's a fun game. We even play it with the cats and dog.  For instance, "what is Mew looking at?"

"At the rabbits."

"What is Mew thinking about?"

"Chicken."  (An actual answer.  I love this answer.  Recently I talked with a friend, she said that at a back-to-school night at the high school she had to write a description of her daughter.  I asked her if that was difficult.  She answered, "no," that she could do it with any of her 4 daughters.  I said that would be tough for me because TsukiMoon is in transition.  An answer like this gives a glimpse to TsukiMoon's mind and humor.  It is so subtle, clever and dry.)

This game also helps TsukiMoon understand in an oblique way that when you are looking at a person and talking, you are not only saying that the other person is important but that what he is saying is important.  It's an adroit understanding of people; importance that others and the speaker place on information that is being relayed.  Which is really the ultimate goal:  The trick; communicate effectively and listen with empathy so the other person feels listened to.