Napkin Notes-- Lego Man's Message 1/30

Today's inspiration is from last night's homework.  TsukiMoon had to do his homework but didn't want to.  His dad had the idea to create a classroom out of Lego Arctic characters.  TsukiMoon then gave the lego men personalities; one was asleep during the spelling lesson, one had o cup of hot chocolate that he kept spilling, another got all the answers correct.  The homework got done and it was fun for all of us.  Win-Win.

Big Time-- Getting To School On Time

Objective:  Get to school on time.

Theory:  Clocks are too small and too high in the air for children to see.  If they were lower and bigger it would help our son, TsukiMoon  have a better internal sense of time.  Then little notes help TsukiMoon remember all the things to do in the morning and help show how much time he has until the next duty.

On The Ground:

The beginning of the school year was awful for getting out the door in the morning.  I hate rushing and hate to be late, yet that's what we always were.  Something had to change.  TsukiMoon would get caught up in reading and I would run around getting things done.  To manage myself and him both was too much, he needed to take more of a role in the morning's routine.  On top of that he had no sense of time.

Maybe all kids at this age have a challenge with internalizing time.  TsukiMoon couldn't read the clock, other then a digital, so two basics of time parts of time reading and understanding were not part of his equation.  How to change that?

I don't know where the idea came from but it just seem to make sense as TsukiMoon squinted up at the clock, high on the wall, that he clearly couldn't see it well.  I went to Ikea and bought their largest clock, over 3 feet across, 61cm, it's perfect.  

I then created little tags.  TsukiMoon and I discussed what chores would be assigned to the morning routine.  It was important for him to feel ownership of his day so he also decided what activities he would like to do before others.  We agreed that toothbrushing would come after breakfast but the flow of the morning was up to him.  He determined how much time he needed for each task and then lengthened or shortened the amount of time based on how long it actually took.  All in all it was about of week of trial and error to create the schedule.

In the first month he would run back and forth to the clock to remind himself what the next task was.  It was eye-opening because I hadn't realized that he didn't know what he needed to do, he couldn't store the sequence in his head.  Having the list up and seeing where the minute hand was help give him a solid understanding of time. 

I don't need to micro-manage, yell, or feel any frustration.  He owns his morning, which is now peaceful for both of us.  He tells me when we need to leave for school--perfect, I couldn't ask for anything more.  I got it though because not only do we get to school on time he now; read a clock and has internalized the passage of time.

Napkin Notes-- Can I Have That? 1/29

Today's inspiration for the Napkin Note in our son's lunch is from our cat which prowels the house for food. 

Mr. Handsome

Napkin Notes-- Arctic Cat 1/28

Todays Inspiration:

This picture is based in a few things; the terrible snowstorm in Boston, the lego crawler that came in the arctic air cargo set, the snow cat we used in Yellowstone this past holiday, and the book we are listening to, "Counting By Sevens" by Holly Goldberg Sloan, and lastly, our son, TsukiMoon  is on his seven times-tables this week in school.

TsukiMoon was really excited about yesterday's Napkin Note.  Talked about it in the car to Mrs. K's class (the speech and language pathologist) and later that night.  So maybe the goal of bring sunshine to TsukiMoon's school day is working.

Tom Brady Wisdom

I read an article in the New York Times this week about Tom Brady and one phrase that he used stuck with me: "The struggle makes it special."  This could apply to anything but the way that I read it in reference to TsukiMoon, our child, is around friendship.

Over the past year we have addressed many of TsukiMoon's educational issues.  We just had him retested and his; reading, comprehension, and spelling are at a level of other children his age.  Great, no worries there.  Going forward TsukiMoon's main ASD issue will be social.

TsukiMoon goes to a social class that has daily homework attached to it.  This week it is, "Friend Files Questions."  The assignment is to ask a question of another child, like, "Do you have a pet?"  Then to follow that question up with another on the same topic, "What is your pet's name?"  Followed by another question, like, "Do you have to walk your dog? or do you parents do that?"  The idea is that the child asking the questions is learning how to be interested in another child.  I think the premiss is "fake it, until you make it," meaning once Boo has friends he will be more interested in keeping them, the premiss being that TsukiMoon has to show interest in other children if he wants them to be friendly with him.

At the moment TsukiMoon has no friends at school.  We switched him from his super academic school to a large, 4 classes per grade, public elementary school.  Add to that he doesn't know how to engage with others and illicit common interests with them.  In addition he lacks a certain amount of empathy causing him to laugh at the absurdity of others.  All of this has left kids cold on being his friend.  

When given this task of "Friend Files" in the most recent social class, TsukiMoon was visibly upset and recalcitrant, saying, "I don't want friends."  I read his frustration as, "This is too overwhelming a task for me.  I can't do it."  His dad and I had no willingness to try the questions so instead of poking and prodding him on whether he asked another child questions that day, we let the whole thing go.  We worked on our home interventions that we normally do; games, talking about feelings, showing appreciation for every time he talks about his feelings, redirecting his talk if the tone is harsh or unsympathetic.  

It is easy to get discouraged because it can feel like there is never any progress.  I find myself going down a path of, "He will never change."  "He says the meanest things, he will never get better."  My husband who is much better at seeing the small victories, says, "no, he tells us when he is scared instead of just saying 'No, I don't want to.' "  My mother, who is often a harsh critic, says, "he is better this year then last."  Much like it is hard to see your own child get taller because you are with him all the time, so it is with noticing the millimeters' worth of growth in an area like social acuity.  Those small amounts grow will into large successes like having a real friend someday but for now when he asks, "how are you feeling Mommy?"  when I have a cold, well, that's pretty nice too.

Napkin Notes-- Reach the Arctic Circle 1/27

Objective:

Help Boo (our son) be in a good head-space at school.

Theory:

Boo has a challenge at school.  He never wants to go and has a tough time making friends there.  I thought if I could bring a gentle reminder of love to his day in the form of notes written on his lunch napkin, it would make the day more fun.

On The Ground:

I started drawing on our son, Boo's, napkins last week. He told me today it was embarrassing which he followed up with, "you draw really well Mom."  I took this a license to continue with the quick hand drawings on each day's napkin.

This idea was inspired by two things.  Recently there was an article on Yahoo showing fantastic drawings of parents created on the napkins for their children's lunchboxes.  In typical fashion my first response was, "I can't do that," there are some confidence issues. ;-)

The second inspiration, and the one that caused me to push past fears was a recent article in the New York Times.  The article was about how to get kids who are at risk of dropping out to stay in school.  One study written about was texts that were regularly sent to students to remind them of goals.  Who doesn't need daily reminders?  How many of us pledge to be on a diet in the morning to have it forgotten by lunch?

My question was how could I get Boo to stay focused at school on all the things that are good and not get drawn down by the frustrations of the day?  

Boo, like any kid, can be a challenge because he doesn't want to hear what comes from his parents.  It seems like an intrusion, an invasion into self, and who likes that?  So how can a parent gently help a child focus without telling them to do so?  My thought was that just the mere note in the lunchbox wouldn't be intrusive yet serve as a reminder to the desires of his parents; be friendly, enjoy school, be happy, life's good.  The notes don't relate to any particular goal, like last Friday was simply, "Yea Friday!"  The idea is that the just the presence of the note and source will do that.

My husband, Mr. Boo teases me for these "extra-mile" things in the lunchbox.  His lunchbox was made up of frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that were pre-made on Sunday, pulled out of the freezer each day, and hadn't thawed by lunch.  I on the other hand because of; the gluten-free, dairy-free foodplan and having a picky kid, do things like; barbecued chicken, which was smoked the morning of school, and finished off in the oven.  Mr. Boo says that I need to read the book "Bread and Jam for Frances" because the character of Albert has a lunch that Frances covets and causes her to eat something other then bread and jam.  He says that my lunches are par with Alberts'.

Well, I just hope that the notes help make school a better, happier, place for Boo. Maybe they will remind him of all the great things in life and put him in a happy place while at school.   

Today's inspiration for the drawing is from Lego's City, Arctic Supply Plane which Boo just got from money he saved.  He is super excited about it, not only did he have to save his money but twice two different web sites had to cancel his order because they were out of the stock.  

Boo put it together last night, coaching himself through the process of building it with no help.  "You can do it, your good at this," he said outloud.  For some reason Boo is scared of general things and feels like he needs help with most activities.  The fact that he put it together himself was a real break through.

We encourage the self-talk to help him stay relaxed through the process.  It is something that he started a year ago, maybe influenced by a social group.  He will say things like, "it's all right, it's ok, you can do this."  It helps him when we are late for school and he needs to relax enough to put on his shoes.  We try not to rush him for this reason but nothing is ever perferct, he uses this tool when he feels the pressure of time.

Follow up:  Boo said that he liked today's drawing and that he looks at the notes first thing when he opens his lunchbox.  I asked if he shared them with anyone else and he said, "No, it would be embarassing."  He was smiling when to told me about the note today so I took that as, "this makes me feel good."  Mission accomplished.

Do High-Functioning ASD Kids get Sick More Often?

Do ASD kids, even high-functioning ones, get sick more often?

My kid, TsukiMoon  is home sick again today.  He has missed several days of school this year to illness.  He was sick during the Christmas holidays and now, little less then a month later here he is sick again.  What's the deal?

This blog post is really more like sending a question out into the universe and see if an answer comes back.

During the holidays we vacationed in Yellowstone.  It was great but hard to carry on with the; no-dairy, no-gluten food plan.  Our child almost only eats meat and carbs.  We tried to do our best but in a place where you have to pack in all your gear, we rode in snow-cats to get to the cabin we stayed in, extra food is difficult to add.  So we just winged it.  Our take away is that either his sickness caused lots of upchucks or TsukiMoon has totally lost the ability to process dairy.  Without fail he would have a stomach clearing puke after eating dairy earlier in the day.

Never one with a strong stomach, TsukiMoon has been able to vomit, almost at will, his whole life.  When he was a baby he had serious reflux that would cause him to; nurse, have a powerful projectile puke (usually on me), then nurse again.  My breasts were HUGH, as though I was feeding twins.  The reflux went away by about the time he was a year old but the sensitive tummy did not.

Any cold that causes coughing will bring up lunch.  I have said to my husband that at least when he won't over-drink in college because his body will reject anything foreign easily.

He had a fever 2 nights ago, but being MLK on Monday he didn't have to go to school the next day.  We did take him to his regular Monday appointment with Mrs. K, the speech and language pathologist.

He works better for her when he eats.  She feeds him because he always proclaims to be "starving,"  even after having a huge meal in the car on the way there.  The food is not on the meal plan though, so the previous Monday I left several Trader Joe's treats with her for him to snack on while be taught.  I think he over ate.  Over-eating is easy for TsukiMoon to do since he seems to lack or not read the feed-back from his stomach.  Late that evening after going to bed he didn't disappoint and nuked his bed and the floor of the bathroom with ick.

Ok, so is he sick because he gets condition makes him more sensitive to germs or did he eat too much in the late afternoon causing us to have to do laundry at 10pm that night?

I don't know and I don't know how to help him. 

Just a reminder

It is funny what hits me sometimes and when.  Today the spin class teacher played the song "Hero" by the group Family of the Year as the last song.  It is a great song, both the lyrics and the guitar melody.  

It emotionally hit me today.  The song is about how the writer wrote a pleading response to his parents or society not wanting to have to fulfill the dreams of others and just desires to be normal, ordinary, not a "hero."  

I was drained after class from a hard ride.  This past year has been a roller-coaster and I haven't exercised regularly in a long time.  It's a new year though, as I find my feet and  found acceptance of our son, TsukiMoon's diagnosis and myself, it is time to get busy.  It was the first time I have been in a class with others and it was a bit triggering in general.  I have about 15 lbs. to lose and going back to all the thin people at the gym was a challenge, so maybe I was set up to be touched in unexpected ways.

The song touch the child in me, maybe the baby because self-pity flooded the post work out exhaustion-- no post-work-out high here.  I started to have tears fill my eyes.  The song spoke to the never-ending drive find solutions for TsukiMoon   There are no breaks in his care, and sometimes I don't want to be the "hero."  

When TsukiMoon was a "regular" child (as far as we knew), we had expectations of what we wanted him to be and do.  Now we just want him to be able to "walk with everyone else."  For TsukiMoon to be ordinary represents a Herculean effort on our part to help him understand expected behaviors.  Of course we now parent the child we have instead of the child we wanted-- that is better for everyone.  We have more love, more appreciation, better understanding but less free time.

Of course what did I want from life?  I asked my husband, Mr. TsukiMoon today, "did I really want life to be easy?"  What we agreed upon that hanging out watching TV or going to the movies doesn't hold our interest as it once did before TsukiMoon   What is needed though is balance.  

I'm not sure what a balanced life would look like because more then ever before my life has purpose.  Almost every action I take or work spoken has a purpose behind it.  It can be a bit much.  Things that are more precious like our marriage.  It is really nice to commiserate together with the depth understanding that only the other person can understand.  It has brought an intimacy that is unique in our already close relationship.

What I need to remind myself is that self-pity and resentment that struck me in spin class are the quickest way to dig a grave.  We have two sayings in our house that get us through most ups and downs.  One: "It is all going to work out."  Two: "No one said it was going to be fair," which brings us back to our first saying-- "but it's all going to work out."

Games as Therapy-- Dungeons & Dragons

Objective:

New deficiencies are highlighted as TsukiMoon  our son, ages, so our approach and focus changes to adapt to shifting needs.  What we are helping TsukiMoon with is how to say things to people so that he doesn't cause offense with his caustic; words, intonation, focus.  His delivery needs work.  It is common for him to unknowingly come off harsh to his friends, family, and adults that he meets.  It can be wearing to hear what comes across as abusive, especially at us when we are doing all we can for him.  Some days we are more fragile then others.

Theory:

By playing Dungeons and Dragons (D&D) which is a game of talk, talk, talk.  TsukiMoon practices how to deliver his message.

On The Ground:

My husband, Mr. TsukiMoon  has played lots of D&D in his youthful years.  He is well versed in the world.  Rules have changed over the years to make it easier to play but the premiss hasn't:  Go on adventure, solve problems, help people, get experience which allows your character to become better, get more stuff, and power.  The character you play will progress at the same rate as the others, your friends.  There are nuances between types of characters; warrior vs. mage vs. ranger etc. but all the characters have to rely on the other characters (team mates) to compensate in the areas where yours is weak. For example: a warrior is strong and powerful but not necessarily wise like a priest who can heal the company.

Mr. TsukiMoon acts as the facilitator or game master, called dungeon master (DM) who sets the stage for the world.  The DM talks the players through scenes, sets the goals, and determines fair play or least that is how Mr. TsukiMoon is running it for TsukiMoon and his friend who are both 9 years old.

The boys picked out characters that they wanted to play.  An important part of the way we are setting up the game for the kids is that their characters must be Lawful/Good.  In D&D all creatures fall on a spectrum of alinements and personalities.  Which get broken out into the chart below

Since the boys are constrained by the personality of Lawful/Good, they are not allowed to act outside of that parameter.  Mr. TsukiMoon explains that they can't randomly; steal or attack but must be supportive and helpful.   

The kids had a great time.  We bought them miniatures of the characters that they are playing; paladin and mage, to help them better visualize their people.  Through eBay we got gaming mats to again help them better "see" the space.  Then we got a rudimentary lot of "baddies"; spider, ant, goblin.  For the kids they did all the things that TsukiMoon is weak on; talking, planning, communication of intention, and because of their alignment they had to ask for things respectfully and conduct the characters with decorum.  They both had to modify their initial reactions to a situation to fit with their characters.  All good training.

Some of the characters that the kids played with.  They painted figures themselves.

Here is a fighter that was modified with a crossbow, the secondary weapon strapped (glued) to the back.

As an aside: I look for a good balance between TsukiMoon's behavior around weapons a careful balance.  We have strict rules around the use of weapons; no Nerf guns, water guns.  This applies to other opportunities as well; fencing and archery is a thing that kids do in our area but Mr. TsukiMoon says and emphatic, "No," to anything with a weapon.  That said TsukiMoon loves learning, like most boys, about weaponry.  He watches shows on YouTube all shows about WW2.  He has watched more then once, "Nazi Super Weapons," and "Victory at Sea."  For Christmas he received a book about "Missions of the Mustang," all about the mustang's role in WW2.  He eats this stuff up.  He also wants to play with toy weapons.  We figure that "playing" with fantasy weapons in this world is better then actually shooting the cat or his parents with a really Nerf gun.  We also closely listen to his words he uses about weapons and help him make better word choices or focus.  TsukiMoon is always receptive and wants to please so he quickly corrects his phrasing.

We have played roll-playing games with TsukiMoon in the past; Star Wars, Battlemech, Champions, but this time seemed to go a little better.  TsukiMoon's older, plus we had one of his friends join in.  Another thing that helps kids this age engage is LARGE dice, cute little dice are for adults.  For some reason the kids liked the large dice best.

Mr. TsukiMoon jumped right into the action, one of the reasons that Boo might have been more engaged.  The first action Mr. TsukiMoon took was to asked the kids, "What weapons do you want?"  None of this rules stuff, start with the action and let the rules develop as play continues

The idea of "real" weapons kick started an energetic discussion between the kids of what would be fun, emphasis on 'talk!'  Once the kids decided the weapons we then took the figures that we bought and modified them by adding things like; a shield, crossbow, pike so they would better represent their preferences.  After that they created thier character sheets; how strong, smart, competent, dexterous, and so on.  The kids loved the whole process.

The nice thing about D&D is that unlike the Star Wars role-playing game where you kill humans or humanoids in your adventures, in D&D you can kill things like; slime and spiders, which better aligns  with our beliefs. 

ASD is a strange thing, TsukiMoon is very loving, loves hugs, holds my hand and gives me kisses and says, "Mommy you look like you need a hug," but has difficulty understanding motivations of people.  For instance TsukiMoon's speech and language pathologist is reading Rold Dahl's James and the Giant Peach with him.  In the first chapter, heck the first page, TsukiMoon had a challenge understanding why James was happy living with his parents, living on the beach and was unhappy when James moved in with Spiker and Sponge.  It is because of this weak understanding of people's desires and joys that we have to create an environment that embraces; positivity, empathy, and love (to the best of our ability).  When things come up that don't meet this standard; Ferguson, Ebola, beheadings, we work to try to explain these things with the most empathy for the people involved; both victims and perpetrators, as possible.  The goal is that TsukiMoon will feel empathy, through role modeling, when bad things happen to good people or even for less then "good" people.  

In a way that is what we are trying to do in D&D.  The game is a place to practice being a "hero" and make a better choice.